Acceptance vs. Change

As I’m preparing for DBT for Adults, there’s been a concept bouncing around in my mind a bit.

Acceptance vs. Change

This itself is a dialectic- meaning, two opposing ideas. We can think of it as a spectrum or a continuum- acceptance on one end, change on the other. Being on either end of the spectrum here has both its pros and cons. We’re most effective when we can find balance between the two. 

The idea of acceptance is one that inevitably comes up in therapy, usually early on. Acceptance means non-judgmentally understanding yourself, others, and the world around you. When we accept something we’re not trying to change it. We’re simply just acknowledging it for what it is. The other thing about acceptance is that- and this is an important piece- acceptance does NOT mean you like what’s going on. It doesn’t mean you approve of it, or even that you’re happy about it. Rather, it’s that understanding that “it is what it is.” Perhaps an overused or cliche expression, but really nails the idea of acceptance right on the head. Often in therapy, this idea comes up not just once but is something we turn to again and again. Why? Well, the reality is that acceptance can be f*cking hard.

The way I look at acceptance is like this. When we’re NOT willing to accept something, it’s like we’ve got on a pair of proverbial boxing gloves. We’re swinging left and right, energetically and emotionally RESISTING this thing. Whatever ‘this thing’ is may or may not be something we have any control over. This can be towards the self, as well. For example, self-acceptance means accepting yourself just as you are and having a nonjudgmental attitude towards yourself. Maybe you’re resisting and therefore lacking acceptance over your height, your nose, the way your face looks when you smile. On the other hand, maybe you are accepting of your facial features or your ethnicity and are learning to embrace it. Either way, the point is that it uses up our precious and limited energy when we are not willing to accept.

So, let’s get curious for a moment. What happens when we work on acceptance?

Well, it’s like letting that pair of boxing gloves slide right off. We don’t need ‘em. When we take the gloves off and stop resisting a situation or trying to change it, suddenly we have so much energy! It takes mental, emotional, and even physical energy to constantly be fighting against something. When we lean into acceptance, we open the possibility for new space and new energy to enter into our lives. A quote I love from Dr. Pederson, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) therapist, author, trainer, and consultant is that “If you’re willing to let go of some control, you actually feel more in control.”

Being on this side of the continuum has both pros and cons. When we’re in a place of acceptance, we have more energy and less judgment. We’re not fighting against how things are, but are leaning into them with an open mind. Maybe this helps you feel more relaxed and even strangely more in control. But what about the cons??

If we’re allll the way on the side of acceptance, without having some change to balance us out, we may find ourselves in a place of feeling stuck or lacking momentum. In other words, the downside to acceptance without change is that there is no forward movement towards change, growth, and improvement. This is not always a bad thing! However, it can be if the thing we are simply *accepting* of is something that maybe needs to change!

Let’s visit now with change on the other end of the continuum here…

Change means doing something different or problem-solving to address something that is not working. When the focus is on change, we’re not really in a place of acceptance or understanding but instead are more focused on doing.

When it comes to self-change, this might look like changing something about yourself. Generally this involves a focus on growing, learning, and figuring out how to do things differently. The pro? Well, change can be a wonderful and necessary thing! If you are engaging in unsafe or risky behaviors, this is something we’d want to change! The downside? If we’re always focused on change, we might be exerting energy into something that is simply beyond our control, OR perhaps we end up feeling uncomfortable and unaccepting of ourselves.

Let’s say you’re unsatisfied with the natural texture of your hair. As a result, you spend endless time and money to try to “fix” it and get it to be just the way you want it. Despite your best efforts, your hair continues to grow in with it’s natural texture and you continue to feel not good enough, constantly trying to change something about yourself.

DBT says that we are most effective when we can find balance between two opposites.

So, how do we find a balance between acceptance and change?

Finding the balance between acceptance and change means both accepting things as they are AND creating change. We are most effective when we work on change with an attitude of acceptance. In other words: to change, we must accept. This means accepting yourself as you are and focusing on ways you can change.

Let’s put this into context a bit-

Imagine you are someone who is constantly late. Everyone knows you for it. You acknowledge this within yourself and know that this is a habit you have. Acceptance of this would look like “I acknowledge I have a habit of running late.” You’re not making it mean that you are a bad friend, daughter/son, whatever. Just simply accepting. Without adding change into the mix, you might just continue this pattern even though you’re aware of it. Sort of a “that’s just how I am” mentality, despite knowing this leaves friends, family, and coworkers feeling annoyed or disrespected.

Instead, when we sprinkle in some change we now can create new systems to help support us in arriving on time (ex: leaving 10 minutes earlier than usual, preparing ahead of time, waking up earlier, etc). Now there’s more balance: “I acknowledge I have a habit of running late, and it’s something I am working on.”

Last important tidbit here- Mindfulness!

Mindfulness skills are really important in finding balance. Without awareness of these patterns, we can easily end up on an extreme end of the spectrum here without realizing it. Mindfulness skills will help you notice where you are on these continuums, and teaches ways to find balance within it.

If you’re interested in learning about mindfulness skills, or more about how to apply this concept of acceptance and change to improve your life, I’d love for you to join me in DBT Skills Group for Adults, starting this March! You can learn more about it here!

Wishing you all the best!

Til next time,

xO Amy